Sunday, January 17, 2010

Envy or I don't know what to call it

It's no secret that I'd love another baby. I understand that my child being born is pretty much the immaculate conception and I am beyond thrilled for that. ut recently P's niece has announced that she is pregnant. P's niece has been married for two years, is 21 years old, has a part-time job, severe pain issues, no college degree (either does her husband), cannot handle money responsibly, and is now pregnant. They are very young and immature and rely on her mom for everything.

And now she is pregnant. On purpose. And I can't help it, but I'm jealous. My husband was not sympathetic and actually made me feel ashamed for feeling the way I feel. But only you, the infertile blog friends understand. Wanting something so badly and not being able to get it stinks. Not being able to plan your family stinks. Watching other women get pregnant with ease and abandon stinks.

I know I am so lucky and why should I feel badly at all? Victoria healed my heart, but there are still scars that remain. The feelings that go along with infertility don't suddenly disappear as soon as you become pregnant. I feel kind of bad that I am even having these feelings, sort of guilty.


MrsSpock said...

A good friend, whose baby shower I admit I cried at, is now pregnant with her second- and nobody has told me. I figured it our from sideways FB comments. Mind you, Mr S and I were trying for 11 months before they did- and they have a child over a year older than ours. We have been trying for another year now- and she is almost 3 months pregnant now. And it stabs me good and plenty. Not as much as it did the first time, but the sting is still there.

Beating the odds once helps- but most of us planned to have more than one child without any intervention.Wouldn't it be nice if we could?

Alisha said...

Oh God...totally get what you're saying. Just finished my first clomid/iui cycle--big fat negative. Great, here we go again.

Even worse, my brother-in-law's mentally challenged sister (can't drive, cook, anything) was just found out to be pregnant by my sister (her parents were totally in denial about it)--and my sister has been strugging with infertility for 2 years. What an awful situation. Needless to say, it makes me want to puke.

Kelly said...

You feel how you feel Jen. No one should make you feel bad about your feelings.