Happy Holidays!

it's 4:30 a.m., but that's okay.

Ugh

So yesterday was "one of those days".

1. It was last day of work prior to vacation. And it was crazy! More last minute requests, a patient died (necessitating tons of unplanned paperwork), demands, a 2.5 hour team lunch, etc. I finally left at 5:15 in time to pick up the bug at daycare prior to 6:00 p.m. when it closes. This necessitating me working for 3 hours from home this morning, so I didn't get to go to the gym.

2. It was brutally, horrifically cold out. All day. And it stank just getting into your car.

3. When I picked up the bug, she had fell asleep in the swing there and when I woke her up, promply started screaming. I smelled that she had pooped and decided to change her there. While I was changing her, more poop started to come out and I hurried to find another diaper to slap on her little butt as fast as I could, but got poop all over my hands and the changing table. I then waited for her to finish, (btw - it was her fourth poop of the day!) and then started to change her. She peed all over the table, the paper, her outfit and the new diaper I was holding. I stripped her down and she had already went through two outfits with spit up, so I ended up throwing a long sleeve onsie on her and wrapping her up really well. She then spit up on the onsie when I was putting her in her car seat, so I made a beeline for home.

4. She screamed at home and wanted me to hold her while she napped so I ate some cold GF lasagna out of the pan because that was all I was able to do.

5. I had stomach issues all day yesterday and burning heartburn.

6. My mother is laying the guilt on thick. Very thick. Only once have I not been at my mother's house on Christmas Day. This year, with the bug and our hectic schedules, we wanted to stay home. My mom started crying when I told her (she has my sister's to go to, it's not like she is alone) and just made me feel guilty and awful and guilty and upset. Why can't she be accomodating??? We were just up there last week (it's a 4-5 hour drive each way that my baby hates) and we are exhausted. We were planning on going up the day after Christmas, but decided to go up on the 27th - 28th. She's isn't going to like and is going to make me feel like crap. And frankly, I am just too tired and annoyed and upset to even try to deal with it.

And that's why I ate a LOT of M & M's yesterday.

Grandma and Baptism

So I got word that my Grandma was failing last week sometime. My mom's mother was completely healthy her whole life until she turned 92 and had a stroke. This one left her speech affected and she had to go into a adult foster care home which is different than a nursing home. Typically the patients can walk and feed themselves and basically need supervision. She really hated the place and was used to being fiercely independent. Anyway, she became really anemic and had a few more strokes and seizures and declined in health over the 5 1/2 years (ugh) she was there. She almost died several times but kept rallying. In May when she came to my baby shower she was in pretty good shape, but couldn't say much. I brought Vi up in October and she couldn't really speak, but sat there with a vacant look on her face. My sister and I were the closest to Grandma out of the six cousins and spent tons of time with her when we were small.

The funeral was very lovely. I was asked to do the readings which brought back all the times when the nun would have me read in church in 6th & 7th grades (the same church). There was a funeral luncheon and the visitation was nice too. The priest kept saying that it was so nice to have four generations there, the newest of which was my Victoria. I felt like a celebrity because everyone went nuts over Vi. On the annoying side, they kept grabbing and her and touching her even when she was sleeping.

I've been wanting to get her baptized so badly. P is raised Catholic but not church-y at all. I don't go as much as I should because I don't like to go alone very much, however I pray very often and have a personal relationship with God. Vi is already over four months, which is quite old to be baptized. The Catholic church usually requires you be a tithing member of the church and take six months worth of classes, etc. With P's work schedule, we just can't do it. I explained to Father at the luncheon that she was truly the result of the hand of God and a miracle baby like in the Gospel where Elizabeth is barren and the Angel comes to her and John the Baptist is born. He said we should contact him when we are at Christmas and he will do the Baptism. Well I cried. Grandma is responsible for this one.

We just got back into town from Alpena. My Grandma died.... she was 97 so it was more of a celebration of her life than a sad affair. The drive is long and we are tired. It is 8 degrees here. You hear that my friends in California and Arizona???

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So Vi is now four months old day and full of smiles and fun. I totally adore her so very much. She is doing all sorts of fun things now and interacting with people.

* she is very grabby with her hands. She likes to hold things and not necessarily shove them in her mouth yet, which is nice. She likes to play and hold things out to look at them with a look of concentration on her face. She can grab the toys on her floor gym and just pull on them.

* her hair is really coming in and I think it may be blond to start (yeah) and curly (double yeah!) - just like her mama's was.
*She's been so hungry I've started her on a little rice cereal which she has the evenings. She is eager to eat it and opens her mouth wide, but is no very coordinated and ends up all hunched over eating it (pictures to follow), so I end up holding her up with one hand and feeding her with the other.

*When she is really happy, she likes to talk to you. She will giggle and laugh and make these cat-like screeching noises to converse back and forth with you. I love it so, so much.

*Her sleep hasn't been so great since Thanksgiving. After sleeping from 8:30 - 6:30 fairly regularly, she now is sleeping like 9-5:30 or sometimes up at 2 or 3.

So tired

The baby stopped sleeping through the night. Thanksgiving threw her off kilter I think. So tired, but I am getting some sleep (like 6 hours) so I can't complain.

Haven't even had time to blog but my husband is complaining about me not putting her clothes away. Hello! You got home from work at 10:30 p.m. - you're no help.

Getting a massage on Saturday morning - oh yes!

The hell wasn't so hellish.....

so for those that care - thanks for thinking of me and sending good vibes my way for Monday. Everything went very well. I won't write too much about bowels and bowel prep here for the squemish, but my prep was excellent (yeah - I'm so proud :). I think the two day prep and eating lighter in the days leading up really helped. I thought the GoLytely tasted much better than the Halflytely, less thick and salt. Someone else on the net said it tasted like old swamp water that sat in a rusty pipe and I tend to agree. It did NOT come with any flavoring, so I mixed the glasses with some lemon honey green tea crystal light I had around. I only had to drink half the gallon before things started coming out clear, so I was like, "I'm done". That was good because I was nauseous, even though I only drank one glass per 30 minutes instead of one every 15 minutes. I had no stomach cramping or vomiting like last time which was a HUGE relief.

Monday morning I was a bit thirsty. I don't remind the colonoscopy or the endoscopy and felt quite drugged afterwards. It did look like Celiac dx on the scope. However - my biopsies came back are negative for Celiac. Now what?

Thanks to everyone for all the prayers and good wishes.

the hell begins.......

I am scheduled for a colonoscopy and endoscopy on Monday. Ugh. I've been eating low residue foods since Thursday (ie: no fiber) and yesterday I drank a 10 oz bottle of Magnesium Citrate which of course, induces bowel movements. I drank it at four instead of six like the instructions said because I know better and I know it takes a while to work. Nevertheless, I was still up every two hours in the night to "go". At 6 tonight I am supposed to drink my GoLytely - which is four gallons of the most vile, thick, salty tasting substance I have ever had. Last time I had the HalfLytley which came with a choice of flavors. This time there is no flavor. I've read on the net that you can flavor it with lemon-lime crystal lite and I have some green tea/lemon lime packets that I may add to the cups. You have to chug a cup every 10-15 minutes until the entire 4 Liters is gone. Yes, 4 liters. I'm starting at 1:00 p.m., because I'm no fool! I've been a liquid diet too, which means gatorade and chicken broth. This is so, so not fun. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Vi is feeling a bit better and the MD gave me something for her severe cradle cap. I think we both have a cold because my throat hurts on top of this.

fever

Oh no! I just went to pick up Vi from daycare earlier and she looked terrible. Last night she was quite flushed and her cheeks were bright red. They said she had a fever of 102. When I got her home it was 101.5 rectally (how fun) and I called the nurse. I am taking her in tomorrow at 8:15. I gave her Tylenol which Daddy picked up and she seems to be better. She ate just great today. She's asleep and I am sleepy.

I had my last supper tonight..... no food except clear liquids until my colonoscopy and endoscopy on Monday.

new hats

Vi received several new hats as modeled below.....





Great Grandma Smith knitted the bonnet & mittens, Grandma Dean made the purple hat, and mama bought the cat hat.

Ate gluten containing foods for dinner

...... and feeling so ill. Ugh. Trying to eat gluten prior to my test next Monday..

Last week was a fairly trying week. It was my first week back to work full time. Vi was crabby and cried most of the evenings as soon as I got her home. I felt terrible with diarrhea, and my horrible stiffness and pains. Frankly, I'm glad its over. I find leaving VI at daycare trying, they don't feed her enough and she ends up so tired and starving at the end of the day. Right now she is napping while I actually get to type this. P and I were going to hang out and play games today (since it is this horrible sleety, rainy, snowy mix) but I went down to the basement to throw a load of laundry in and found two inches of water, a bunch of wet laundry I had dumped, and some wet boxes. Sigh. P just got back from Lowe's buying a new sump pump to install so we don't get taken by a plumber

Things are going good today though! I had a great workout, my cake smells great and Vi has been napping for 2 hours and 45 minutes.

:)

snooopy

P's mom and Grandma are visiting on their way to Florida. P's mom went through Vi's closet and all her dresser drawers??? She said it was to look at "all her clothes". Okay then. Then P's grandma spent five minutes looking through all our spices - and then -- she came down in our basement to look around. She's 86 and doesn't need to be going down the stairs. What the hell???

Election Day Thoughts

So yesterday was Election Day (really - I didn't know, duh). Many of you don't know but I used to be a big time political activist/campaign worker/party lackey/paid field organizer/organization president etc. My life was politics. The first big election I worked on was Clinton/Gore '92. I still remember the energy, the excitement, the fact that we were changing the world. I saw a lot of that this election with the Barak Obama campaign. Everyone was excited about voting, everyone was excited about Barak. Yesterday, I did not vote for Barak Obama. Yes, I'm surprised too.

I've been a democrat for as long as I can even remember. I remember going to vote with my dad in 1980 and asked if he was going to vote for Reagan. He said that Reagan was a republican and republicans were not for the common working man. I always tended to agree and took that to heart. All my past work on campaigns and in politics was in Democratic Politics. As I grew older and worked hard and made more money, I became more and more concerned about paying so many taxes and having social security when I am older. Also, I've become more pro-military after living overseas and learning about the world. I've always been fairly socially liberal. So that's why I voted for McCain yesterday.

I honestly don't think any of my old democratic colleagues would believe it because I was the most die hard young Democratic there was.

The fact is that I don't dislike Barak Obama at all. I like and respect Joe Biden. Hopefully he can get some good people behind him and do some really good things for the country that don't involve restricting my rights nor increasing my taxes just because I have a job and make money.

my two favorite people

Daddy is his new suit (I picked the tie) and VI in her cute outfit.

Do I need anything else????

For the past three weeks I've been in such severe pain with stiffness and soreness in my body I can barely walk without hobbling around. My hands are so stiff and sore in the mornings I have trouble holding a pen. Ibuprofen is my best friend. I see the Rheumatologist on Thursday..... let's hope it's not rheumatoid arthritis.

Blast from the past....

I was working on some patient charts and realized I hadn't checked my online records in a while. This brings back some bad feelings:

In summary, _____________is a pleasant 32-year-old nulligravida female with significantly decreased ovarian reserve as evidenced by high FSH on day-10. I have explained to her the implication of having this high FSH on her low chance of success despite undergoing extensive fertility therapy. There is about 5% chance of spontaneous conception and this does not go up much despite undergoing a fertility therapy. For this reason, I have recommended for her to look into other options to expand her family including adoption as well as donor egg in vitro fertilization.

I am truly a recipient of a miracle...... Praise God.

*So I started back at work this week. Half days this week and next. It's been good. I missed work and we moved to an office that is super nice so I have a very nice cube with a window view of all the fall trees. I"m trying not to obsessively think about Vi during the day because then I will cry. P has been getting her ready in the mornings and this means getting up earlier which is difficult for him. Last week we did daycare half days and she wasn't too keen on it which really stressed me out. She is not accustomed to their schedule and doesn't want to sleep or eat too much there. I keep praying she will adjust and start to like it.

* I am still feeling like death with severe stiffness and body aches. My best friend is High dose ibuprofen. I stopped gluten after three days due to nausea, severe heartburn and reflex with burning, vomiting, stabbing stomach pains. It all stopped when I stopped eating gluten. I called the MD and am waiting for a reply. I was so hoping it was something else!

*Winter is here! Well, fall is - and it is cold! I don't know where the summer went. I have quite a bit of raking (mostly seed pods) to do at home. I am going to miss taking Vi out in the stroller when it gets really cold.

*McCain pulled out of Michigan and pretty much gave it to Obama. I think Obama is going to win. Both of their health plans frighten me. I like McCain, but Palin's view on abstinence only education in schools is ridiculous. Teens are going to have sex whether you agree with it or not. Shouldn't they be informed - ignorance is not bliss in this case.

The gluten challenge is not going to well. Frankly, I'm quite ill. I have horrific heartburn, chest pain, reflux, salivia production, searing stomach pains, nausea, chills and sweats. I'm done doing this. Today I ate a regular toast, a tortilla, soy sauce, part of a cookie, some dry wheat cereal and homemade chicken noodle soup. Who gets heartburn from chicken noodle soup??? I'm ill. It's just not worth it.

all alone

This morning I dropped P off at the airport for his week in Boston. Then I took Vi to daycare and hung out there with her for 2 hours. She is there right now and I am going to pick her up around 1;30 or 2:00. I was going to use this time to go to the gym, but I think I will do that tomorrow. My mom invited herself down to visit for the week and she will be down tomorrow. There are a lot of things I could use her help with. Leaving Vi at that daycare was so, so difficult. I cried in the parking lot. She is the youngest in the infant class and the smallest. There are three bigger children walking around that are almost ready for the next class that kind of scare me. They go go go and the little babies (3 of them) are just laying around. Vi is not used to that kind of noise. I will be glad when they move up to the next room. Her caregivers seem very nice and organized which is good. She is just so little!!!! No one can love her and care for her and hold her like I do.

I also just am eating gluten today in anticipation of my colonoscopy. I had a soft taco shell and the only thing I feel is a burning in my chest so far.

something happier....

miss smiles

yesterday was on one of those days....

that made me cry by 5:00 p.m.

To start:

My sister's house got foreclosed on
Vi went to the MD and had to start medicine for her reflux
Vi spent a good part of afternoon and evening screaming
It rained.
I went to the GI doctor and have to have more tests including a colonoscopy with a three day bowel prep (what the hell!?!?) because the last prep was poor, an upper endoscopy, and a bunch of blood tests. I also have to eat wheat for one month (Pizza Hut here I come!) before these tests as a "gluten challenge".
The GI Doc doesn't know what I have - he is thinking a gastric tumor, Lynch syndrome, Celiac dx or zollinger-elsrom syndrome???
The doctor told me my genetics are very high risk on both sides of my family
My mother grew so many colon polyps in one year (150+), she has to have another colon resection in 3 weeks
This week is really my last week home with Vi, she starts daycare part time on Monday.
We have to drive six hours for P's family Christmas this weekend
The laundry is still not put away
P worked so many hours this week/last weekend he is like a stranger.
P is going to Boston all next week
My body hurts so badly that I feel like a got hit by a car

I'm a little teary

Vi has always been a great eater. Over the last week to two weeks she has been fussing during feedings including crying, arching her back, refusing the nipple, squirming around and in general eating less, being pretty unhappy and acting like she was in pain. I finally called the doctor about it today and the nurse called me saying that they thought it was acid reflux!! It does make sense because I thought she seemed like she was teething or something was hurting her. They advised me to keep her upright after feedings (which I do), burp her well (which I do), and possibly change formulas to Enfamil gentlease or Enfamil added rice. I ran over to Rite Aid and bought a small can of the gentlease to try. P and I talked on the phone and he wanted to how we would know if this was resolved and also to just switch the formulas or do half and half, etc? Unfortunately I didn't ask the nurse, but I will call back and ask tomorrow. I hope that this will improve and that she won't have to go on meds. It's weird because I have had really bad GERD in the past and still take Protonix. So I know what it is like. I probably shouldn't be so upset and worried since there are kids with way worse issues out there, but I don't want her to be unhappy!!!!

P has been working night and day. That on top of school makes for an unhappy wife. I'm pretty tolerant, but I never see him anymore. Next week he is in Boston for school. I know he is doing the best he can but it is starting to get to me and really, really stink.

The other crummy thing is that the timer on our dryer stopped working properly a while ago and would only dry on one cycle. That cycle finally went last weekend and with the cost of fixing an old dryer, we got a new model at Lowe's. It finally arrived on Friday (P was in Washington D.C. last week and I had to actually buy him new pants) and I have been doing laundry like crazy since then. I did 7 loads on Friday, 4 on Saturday, 4 on Sunday and 3 today. I'm still not done and I haven't put everything away because I am so tired of going up and down stairs. Still, it's nice to have a dryer again. The moral of the story - don't get behind on laundry.

A "Mom" moment

Today I had to go into work and fax some papers (yes, the OB gave me another two weeks off :). I can never just get in and out of there, so I ended up feeding Vi while I was there. On the way home I stopped at Whole Foods to get some lunchmeat and bread for Paul. When I was going through the checkout I realized the burp cloth complete with spit up was still hanging on my shoulder! The checkout lady and I had a good laugh.

Vi is getting so big

Vi is now 9 weeks old tomorrow!!!

Here are some new pictures of her....

Brrrrr.

I'm in in N. Michigan and the high today was 45 degrees. It was cold, rainy, and crummy out. Vi did fairly well on the long drive, the next day was pretty crabby, and is back to her sweet self. Last night she slept from 8:30 - 4:00 a.m.!! She really didn't want to go back to bed after that and only slept from around 6-7 a.m. Right now she is sitting in this cradle my mom bought for her, looking up at the lights, and cooing. She just finished fussing and yelling for 10 minutes. Her fussy period is between 7-9 each night; just about the time Daddy gets home.

I'm ready to head home and spent time with my husband along with getting into a routine for going back to work. It breaks my heart to have to leave Vi - having other people comfort her and touch her and spend their time with her - yet I love my job and the money and benefits. I so wish I could do both....

She's fussing now and it's time to get her ready for bed....

Informational Posts

* haven't had a lot of time even though I am off to write in my blog. Dishes, laundry, bottles to be made, babies to be fed, thank you notes to be written, lunches to make, shopping to do... etc.
* Been enjoying watching the show "Verminators" on the Discovery Channel while I feed Vi - gross but fascinating! Speaking of TV - there is a new "Office" episode on Thursday night!
* Lost 15 of the 25 pounds I gained but can't seem to take off the last 10 despite exercising. None of my jeans or pants fit and I am sick of wearing track pants!
* Going to visit family up north next week as P was supposed to be out of town. Not sure how Vi will do on the long drive, but my mom has a ride down on Friday and is going to ride up with us on Saturday.
* My eight weeks leave from work ends October 5th. I have an apt with the OB on the 6th and hopefully he will write me off for another week or two since I still feel like crap! I am going to take vacation beyong that and I have to start getting my little baby ready for day care :(
* Vi slept 6 hours at a stretch on Saturday and last night from around 9:30 - 4:30. Wow.

Today was the very first time that I left Vi with a sitter. I was quite nervous about it all day and wanted to cancel several times. I think all parents go through this?? The sitter is a neighborhood girl that is home schooled, 16, loves kids, has a baby brother, and basically wants to get married and have kids. She came over at 3:00 and I got back around 4:35. I went to the gym to work out as I hadn't been since Saturday and my joints were really sore. She slept the entire time for the sitter and it was all good - except she slept through a feeding. Now she is really fussy.

I am going to ask the girl to possibly come back on Tuesday or Wednesday so I can go again. P was like - can't you go to the gym when I get home? uhmm .... you don't get home until 7:00 and I have to fix your dinner and the bottles for the night and sometimes give Vi a bath and try and be in bed by 8 or 8:30. So no, I can't.

work

This morning started out well. I got some decent sleep last night, it was sunny, and I got a shower in before Vi woke up. We decided to go into work to visit since Vi is almost 5 1/2 weeks old and I wasn't as worried about "pass the baby". We wended being there for four hours (!) and everyone passed the baby which I wasn't too happy about. I didn't eat lunch I was so busy and when I got home around 4:00 p.m., I was exhausted. It was nice to see everyone, and our new offices (we moved), and my new cube, but it was just waaayyy tooo much.

crummy day

Yesterday was crummy! IN fact, the last few days have been crummy. Friday was humid..... Yesterday was pouring rain and dark, today was pouring rain and dark. My husband was a bit crabby and worked on homework all day, so I didn't have a ton of help or a lot of company. Then I started watching this documentary about September 11th and that upset me even more. Vi was good and cute :)

Sleep!

My MIL is here and I slept all night! I feel almost human.
I went to the gym for the first time and only did stretching and 10 minutes on the elliptical. I"m kind of disappointed that I couldn't jump right into things :( I also walked with my MIL and the baby today.

1 month old today

and I need sleep......

It's Friday

Friday means Daddy is home for two days and we miss him. He worked late/had school all nights this week so we haven't seen too much of him. Tuesday he came home about 7:00 since we were doing well. Wednesday I had a meeting so he came home at 8:00 and last night my co-workers came over and hung out (it was great) and so I didn't have to worry about him.

My fibromyalgia has been acting up this week from carrying the baby, holding the bottles, bending etc and especially lack of sleep and weight lifting. My wrists are numb and painful, my back, my neck and still my lower back are quite painful despite Motrin left over from my C-section. I hope it improves. I was thinking of trying some light swimming in the hopes it woudld help. It was overcast and dreary all day so I took Vi out in the stoller first thing for a walk and we went 30 minutes. We didn't leave the house the rest of the day - just didn't have it in me. I just put her in the Baby Bjorn my neighborhood gave me and my neck and shoulders got so tired after 10 minutes I had to take her out. That thing is a workout! She's slept most of the day (I hope she sleeps tonight) and right now is dozing on her playmat.

Another week in......

school daze

Today is the first day of school in Mich. It's strange to start school after
labor Day - although it still is really really hot here. I'm typing with Vi in my lap as she got a little fussy and sleepy. Labor Day weekend was very uneventful - we are used to being out of town near a lake so it can be a bit quiet when we stay home. Friday P came home on time and I got my hair cut/colored. I really wasn't in the mood, but it had been over four months and it feels and looks so much better. The weather was so hot that we really didn't go out of the house on Saturday or Monday. Sunday I went to the grocery store. Each night we did walk with the stoller when it cooled down and we did play some board games in the air conditioning (Memoir '44). We also spent the weekend watching "The OFfice" DVDs which are one of the funniest things I've ever seen. It was great to have P around all weekend. Vi loves him so much. He held her almost the entire weekend and we didn't sleep so well last night because she was wide awake from 2:30-4:30 and 6:30-8:15. She is eating more at each feeding and stretching it to 3-4 hours so sometimes two less feedings per day which is good.

what day is it anyway?

It seems like August should be over, but yet it is August 28th. Next week school starts and fall is beginning! I love fall and it is by far my very favorite season. To update, things are a little better for us. The tranquilizers helped. the main thing is that my mom showed up! There was a lot of to-do regarding people being able to bring her partway or halfway etc and we were too tapped to pick her up. She borrowed a navigation system and drove down the entire way without getting lost. We were extremely proud of her and I think she was proud of herself.

So she showed up shortly before noon on Monday. Vi and I were not dressed and waiting out on the front lawn for her when she pulled up just like the calvary. She gave me emotional support, got to visit with her granddaughter, got me driving, got me eating, got me out, and most importantly -- stayed up all three nights with Vi!!! P and I slept. I feel almost human today. My mom also let me know what a wonderful miracle baby we had and how good she is. She brought a ton of presents for the babe and did almost all of her feedings. I will never forget her showing up when we needed her.

Physically I am doing better. My stomach is still bad - diarrhea and I am not eating much. My incision hurts more in the morning for some reason, but is much much better.

Vi gained an entire pound and now weighs 7 lbs, 13 oz. She had an exam yesterday as part of a research study and was found to be neurologically right on target!

Daddy's home.....

It is so so great to have P home. The baby basically never his arms today. He was a great help. I drove today to Target and bought diapers and formula and it was very taxing. It was my first drive and it did indeed feel good to get out. My incision is sore (not painful) and I wanted to stay up and watch a movie tonight with P. He is so loving and great with Vi and I am so so pleased. He also was very good today to me as I had a big situation blow up with a family member. I don't think I am ready to blog about it yet..... but it full of hurt so please pray for healing and peace. It really came at a bad time when I am just struggling with the PPD and keeping happy. Vi is cuter than ever.

Baby Blues strikes its evil head

I haven't written because I have been insanely busy as well as teary. It's been kind of a tough week. Monday I became 'teary'. Tuesday I was weepy. Wednesday I cried in several episodes, thankfully not all day. My mother in law came Tuesday and I had her do the late feedings (9:30, 12:30 a.m.) and went to bed by 9:00. Vi was kind of cranky so we didn't get much sleep. Plus I developed terrible diarrhea that I was kind of concerned about. I spent the day on the phone crying - talking to the OB nurse, then my psychiatrist. I am still on an SSRI ( I took during the pregnancy) and started taking a small of a benzodiapine prescribed to me prior to the pregnancy for panic attacks. Hopefully this helps. I slept well last night which certainly helped. I am reaching out for help and trying to find it.

Depression/Anxiety really stink and have difficult for me for years. This was a concern even prior to the pregnancy. Thankfully, it seems different that the past episodes, less long term crying (4+ hours), still wanting to take care and enjoy taking care of Vi, less feelings of hopeless.

I've never written about my depressions before. I keep them under good control in my everyday life, but something out of the norm happens, it tends to rear its ugly head.


I so want to get through this to get into a routine for my family and take good care of Vi and P.

today was a rough day because of one thing - crying. The baby was excellent - she slept most of the day yesterday and tomorrow and even slept last night. She's pure sunshine and joy. I spend the morning working on the computer, had a shower, and then the waterworks started. I had three episodes of crying today and managed to get it under control when my company showed up. P's brother and his girlfriend came down - he went to the "Masters of Metal" concert with both brothers. His girlfriend kept me company which was nice. I felt a few crying prompts, but am much better in I am trying to wean off the Oxycodone as well as I think it is causing me problems. I only took two pills today - the 2nd becuase of pain. I think P going out of town (v. important trip planned around 07/20 due date), until Thursday night is difficult. It makes me cry.


I feel like a failure - lfirst (half) day alone and I lost it. Pray for me!

Okay I guess it is due to VI.....

She decided between 3:30 and 5:30 that she did not want to sleep and actually cried and fussed a lot which she really hasn't done. I tried everything and then she started smacking her lips and rooting at 5:30 so fed her again and she inhaled a 3 oz bottle. She still wouldn't sleep and at 7:oo I was able to lay down for a few hours and P got up at nine and took over. I semi-slept for two more hours, then got up. P had a bunch of errands to run and she woke up (I was down for a nap) just as I fell asleep. I told him to go anyway and I would take her out in the stoller - which I did and of course she slept. It felt good to get out in the sun and hopefully it will (move things along) so that I don't have to go to the doctor Monday and discuss an embarassing problem.

We've decided to let her dictate when she is hungry and 'feed on demand' - of course no greater than 4 hours, but not like waking her up like clockwork evey three hours. Hopefully this will help.

Insomnia

Not due to baby... suprisingly......

I have woken up every 45 minutes wiping the sweat off my face, changing my shirt, fighting off bouts of pain, horrific nightmares involving being burned, hung, chased, etc and thirst. I am hoping to feed Vi her 3:30 a.m. feeding and get some sleep.

I think it is the Percoset.

I just was taking a little time before I went to bed (ha) for the first time today. Tending to a newborn is very very busy. It is so great having P home to help. The baby was quite a bit fussier today - she is so hungry that she inhales her 60 cc and doesn't want to stop to burp, leaving her with some gas. We tried to keep her outside and stimulated today so she would not be as active and alert as last night.

On the PPD front I had two epidsodes of crying today, both didn't last that long and I was able to stop crying on my own. Pretty happy about that. My milk came in today and I am extremely, extremely engorged. The great thing about it is that since I am on painkillers from the C-section, I don't feel much discomfort. However, I have terrible discomfort from my Csection - pulling along the scar. I am taking half the recommended dose of Percoset every four hours because the lasrger dose makes me dizzy. I am also on high strength Motrin. By the time four hours rolls around the pain and pulling becomes worse and worse. The other bad part is the 2nd epidural or the spinal site on my back hurts so much. Recovering from surgery is not fun. Hopefully I will feel better soon.

Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.

Victoria Elise is here

I'll keep this short since I just got home from the hospital.

Announcing:

Victoria Elise
6 lbs 13 oz
19.5 inches long
August 10th 12:20 p.m.

I had an extremely difficult time involving 20 hours of labor, three epidurals, a spinal and finally, an unplanned C-section. But she is here and doing quite well. Birth story to follow.

Going in tonight

Tonight I am scheduled for an induction. The OB department is supposed to call between 4-8 and let us know what time to come in. I woke up at 1:30 a.m. with bloody show and lost of part of my mucus plug. I had contractions from 8-10 minutes apart the rest of the evening. I'm having contractions now about 15 minutes lasting for only 30 seconds. I feel restless and haven't slept very well the last two nights (I know, I know). I hate waiting around until tonight.

Baby Update

So since this all anyone talks about these days.... a baby update.
I went to the OB this morning, P came along too which was nice. We discussed induction with the OB and he felt it was the best. I asked about the increased risk of C-section and he said there is one, which I already knew. A cervix check revealed lesser progress in the last two weeks than I had hoped, 1.5 cm and 80% effacement. He wanted to sweep my membranes but I didn't tolerate being on my back all that well. An ultrasound revealed good amniotic fluid levels, but he felt they were on the decline.

Why doesn't my body want to go into labor? I'm kind of disappointed. Thus, an induction is scheduled for this weekend, exact date to follow. P wanted to do it today - the sooner the better. I'm glad he was there anyway.

I'm going to order some chinese food for lunch. Last night, friends came over and brought chinese food and I didn't get to eat any because it had soy sauce and breading due to a mistake and I felt really cheated and mad. :(

Tonight's the night... NOT

Last night I had that (awful) Rod Stewart song in my head. Around 10:00 I just finished putting away laundry and the same pains I had the night of BUNKO started up in my back and then spread to my front. Except this time, way more intense in my front. Right under my breasts, the top of uterus was very painful and intense. P tried timing them, but they were constant and intense. I laid down and thought maybe we should call the hospital but around an hour later they slowed down and stopped and we both fell asleep. Panic set in that i was having a placental abruption or something because the upper pains didn't seem like they would be labor pains. Then, this morning I was worried about the baby moving less, but she is moving now. I have had such a good pregnancy that these past three weeks have been the hardest part. The not knowing and trying to plan ahead for appointments, work, etc.

Keep me in your thoughts......

spicy food? Had Indian for lunch ......... check.
walking? 30 minutes last two days ..... check.
labor inducing 'activities' ............... check.
ride down bumpy road ...................... check.

Okay, I'm ready...........................

Still no news....

I went to the OB yesterday and he didn't check my cervix for some crazy reason even though I asked. No signs of impending labor although he told me anytime once again. His official due date for me is today. I didn't plan on having an August baby, so this will be an adjustment. He said if I didn't have the baby by next Wednesday, we needed to schedule an induction. Everything I read about induction is bad.... increases the risks of C-sections, long painful labor, baby can sometimes not tolerate labor well, etc. He said I'd either get cervical gel and pitocin.

Send baby vibes my way please. I'm going to the gym later so maybe that will help??

Good article

I don't know if you remember this girl having leukemia and her parents conceived a baby in the hopes that it would be a match and it was controversial. Great update!



http://www.ocregister.com/articles/marissa-anissa-ayala-2100465-marrow-story

Still waiting....

Between the two of us, P and I must have fielded 10 or more phone call/emails asking where the baby is in the last two days. Well, as one in the know, I can assure you it is not yet here. I appreciate everyone's concern and good wishes, but geez, I am feeling quite pressured! The doctor had moved my due date until July 31st, but told me 'anytime, anytime'. Last night I was supposed to go to BUNKO and had the most intense contractions for over an hour. They started in my lower back and wrapped around to my front lower stomach. I was sure it was time and felt excited and actually quite relaxed. Then it stopped. Definately false labor I think.

I was out at Target for two hours this morning and had three messages when I got back saying .... I supposed you're at the hospital. NO I'm not. Plus everyone wants to be called. Right away. P's mom wants to be called at work. Plus I don't want everyone to know every detail of my labor. I"m kind of private that way.

Let's just run down the basics......

So no, there is no baby yet.
Yes I feel quite well, less nausea the last few days.
At my OB apt Wednesday I was 2 cm dialated and 50% effaced.
I'm off work now. I miss it already to be honest. I like working.
Yes we have names picked out, but no we are not ready to share.
No I'm not breastfeeding. Why? I hardly know you, why are you asking me that question?????
Yes, I am coming back to work.
Yes, I plan on having an epidural. Don't look so judgemental.

I do appreciate everyone's concern and caring..... :)

all summer long

Absolutely brillant day today ---- warm and sunny and breezy.

This song and video reminds me a lot of N. Michigan. The T-top camaro and sweet home alabama is pretty darn accurate. The models in bikinis aren't. And the whiskey - yes Southern Comfort.

Hello --

I slept poorly last night; heaving myself from one side of the bed to the other. I then ran by a mom to mom sale (awful stuff), stopped at JcPenny for a return and came home. P worked today (sigh) and I felt so crummy I skipped lunch and lay down in bed for 2 hours. Couldn't sleep. Got up, and got a 2nd wind. I cut up a watermelon, made a GF berry crumble, made roasted sweet potatoes, did two loads of laundry, unpacked and washed a bunch of baby stuff, made an asian salad. I feel like heck now. I am really low energy this week. he is going to have to grill the meat for dinner. I'm just too darn fatigued. I guess this is normal and I should cut myself a break.

I was just downloading some new pictures into my digital photo frame I got for my birthday. I like it.

My family is Nutso...

My family is nutso. My mom just called me and wanted to know if I could come to saginaw. My brother in law had a minor surgery there today.

Mom: I'm in Saginaw. J did fine. Yada yada....
Me: That's good
Mom: G (my sister) is trying to send me home with so and so when he comes through
Me: ??
Mom: J was sleeping so we left. they are keeping him overnight.
Me: are you going back to see him.
Mom: G(my sister) has to exercise
Me: Did you have lunch?
Mom: (my sister) has to exercise. She said I snored.
Me: What are you going to do the rest of the day? Shop?
Mom: Can you come to Saginaw?
Me: (shocked). I'm working.
Mom: I don't really think you should drive that far
Me: Uhm no. I"m not coming. For what? I can't drive that far.
Mom: we gotta go.....

What the heck???

My mom obviously wants me to come and 'save' them from something. It;s a 90 minute drive each way. And if you haven't gathered... my sister is an exercise bullimic. Seriously. She has all of these symptoms severely. and it has went on for years.

Wikipedia says this:

Exercise bulimia is a subset of the psychological disorder called bulimia in which a person is compelled to exercise in an effort aimed at burning the calories of food energy and fat reserves to an excessive level that negatively affects their health. The damage normally occurs through not giving the body adequate rest for athletic recovery compared to their exercise levels, leading to increasing levels of disrepair. If the person eats a normally healthy and adequate diet but exercises in levels they know require higher levels of nutrition, this can also be seen as a form of anorexia.

It is often seen as a 'healthy' method of compensation. However, the effects of excessive exercise (both psychologically and physically) should not be underestimated, and excessive exercise should not be seen as a safe alternative to vomiting/fasting in those tackling eating issues. Compulsive exercisers will often schedule their lives around exercise just as those with eating disorders schedule their lives around eating (or not eating). Other indications of compulsive exercise are:

Missing work, parties or other appointments in order to work out
Working out with an injury or while sick
Becoming unusually depressed if unable to exercise
Working out for hours at a time each day
Not taking any rest or recovery days
Striving to achieve and master ever more difficult challenges. Forgets that physical activity can be fun.
Defining self-worth in terms of performance
Justifies excessive behavior by defining self as a "special" elite athlete


Just your public service announcement for today.....

Wow, it's been two weeks.

I can't believe it's been two weeks since I wrote. I've been doing quite well up until last night. I had a lot of back pain, and front pains. Today, I was nauseous and dizzy and felt like hell until about 3:00 p.m. I never even left the house today and I had a lot of errands to run. I was lying in bed at 2:00 p.m. even. I'm very ready to meet this child, yet terrified at the same time. What do we do when we bring her home? How do we know when/where to let her sleep? How do we know what she needs - when to bathe, when to feed, how long to burp, how often to wake her up to feed, etc.

Last Wednesday I went to the OB. He made me pretty angry. He keeps changing my due date and now says it is July 31st.... What??? 40 weeks from the start of my last period is July 20th. This takes into account the 20 days or so until ovulation. Anyway.... my counter has me down as being 38 weeks, his as starting 37 weeks. He also would not write me off for work! He said that I would probably be "too anxious" being home and his "fellows work right up until their water breaks". I'm not an MD - I have nothing to prove. I do planning on working this week, and I am going to take P to my appointment on Wednesday with me to exert some force.

I'm not accustomed to not doing anything so it was hard to just sit around. I did make some chili when I felt better, put away laundry, load the dishwasher, and pack my bag for the hospital. P had bet that the baby would come the 13th (tomorrow) and I bet the 18th.

I'm ready.....

pyogenic granuloma

Today I had one of these removed from my face where it was located above my lip, to the left of my nose. It is usually found on the gums and I am quite greatful that mine was not. However, it started out as a red dot and started bleeding and crusting over with a huge scab all the time. It then started growing rapidly about two weeks ago, getting taller and taller. In the last few days it turned purple. The Dermatology clinic numbed my lip with lidocaine (that hurt), shaved it off, theen had to cauterize it repeatedly because as I said above, it was a bleeder. The smell and sensations sent me over the edge and I ended up becoming quite ill and nauseous. All's well now. Apparently these occur arond 5% of pregnant women and are highly vascularized. All I know is that is was hideously ugly and am glad to be rid of it!

Baby robins!

The robins built a nest right near our front door. I always see the mother on the nest and today I saw her standing at the edge of the nest so I thought maybe they hatched. They did! P rigged up the video camera and got these shots.

ugly baby clothes

I currently only have one outfit that would qualify....



http://www.flickr.com/photos/durhamregionbaby/sets/72157600160107629/

I'm alive

So I'm alive and well now. All the scabs have fallen off my face, my eye has reopened, my shoulder is almost back to normal. My tooth is still pretty painful (I have to drink from a straw), but I visited the orthodontist yesterday and had the bracket recemented.

The weather has been horrific here. Terrible rainstorms every day. It usually takes me around 25 minutes to get home and today took me 55 due to the storm. It is supposed to storm for the next five days straight and then cool down to the mid 70's which I adore.

People have been so kind to me at work. I had a suprise shower from my team, and three other people brought me gift cards and presents. How sweet is that?

It's been difficult to blog because we are still down to one computer at home which P uses for school most evenings. :( I have a ton of pictures to post as well.

I had a terrible falll....

So Monday night is beautiful here in MICH and I'm out for my 30 minute walk. Decided to go a bit further, it's nice out and I'm listening to my IPOD. One block from home, I somehow fell. It was a bad fall. I instinctively fell on my side and my face hit the cement. I shredded my face, elbows, shoulders, broke my front teeth and braces and thankfully did not break my nose. Pictures to come later.



I limped home, called OB Triage, husband came home, and they put me on the monitor for 4 hours. I was a having a few contractions, so I won the 24 hour stay. THere were no beds so I had to stay on a stretcher in the Csection recovery area which was pure hell. No sleep all night, in pain, on IVs, fetal monitor. NO food or drink since I may have an emergency csection. That I got by with okay surprisingly. Just when I was due to have my diet coke the next day I got really nauseous and had dry heaves.


Finally in the am I got moved to a room and rested.


The baby is absolutely fine, I am so fortunate.


The only pain I have now is from my shoulder. It may be broken. I also have some general achiness. It looks like I was in a boxing match. I called the doctor nearby and I think they need to do an x ray.


I am so disappointed in myself. P was supposed to go to NY today for two days but I had to ask him to stay home. I feel terribly about it. I hate to put people out for my needs.

how blessed am i?

My friend N threw me a beautiful BUNKO shower with all my BUNKO friends last night. ONe of my old friends G came too and it was so nice to see her. We had fun and everyone was so kind and generous to me. I am truly, truly blessed. We have so much and others have so little. We live in a country with opportunities, freedom, I have health insurance, a decent home in a decent neighborhood, two vehicles, am able to purchase the food I need at the grocery store, laundry facilities in my home, a microwave and dishwasher, computers, access to medical services, friends and acquaintaces, air conditoning, great team of people I work with, a sit down job with benefits, a hard-working husband that loves me, two parents that love me, grandparents, opportunity for education.......

I'm teary now for all that I have. I don't take it for granted for one moment.

I went to the OB today. He says I'm starting 33 weeks, not 34. :P The child is also still breech. He thought I was doing very well. I wasn't at work today due to achiness and fatigue and MD appointments, so I slept a lot. I feel lazy.

It was a really hot, humid weekend and quite miserable to be outside. This is sad for me, because I love to be outside. This is the last weekend P is not working on school- his classes start up again this week. He cut the grass and did some yardwork yesterday in the heat of mid-day and I think got a bit of heat exhaustion. On Saturday, we went to an open house at a Daycare we really liked. They also have an opening in October. It is as much as a mortgage payment every month! Wow. My ladies' group also had a family picnic which was nice and then we went to Babies R Us to buy a travel system, diaper pail, diaper bag.

I have so much to do at work it's absolutely crazy. I have too many meetings and such that I don't have time to knock anything off of my to-do list. Also - I am too tired to put in extra hours. My last day is going to be either 3rd or July 11th depending on how I am feeling and when I can get the MD to write me off. It's difficult for me to lose control of my projects. Someone from work bought me in a beautiful baby book and outfit this morning all wrapped up. What a lovely surprise!!! People are so kind to me, I am so blessed.

It was our 8th Anniversary last week. Can't believe it's been 8 entire years of marriage. I would have posted a picture but 2 of our 3 computers are being 'fixed'. It's a nuisance. Big time. P bought me a massage and I gave him a coupon for Sirius radio receiver in this car. Sirius radio is fantastic.

I think I've spent the entire day waddling down the hallway to the bathroom to pee and waddling back. P stared at my belly with incredulous fascination last night and thought it was getting huge. Yes it is.

Friends.....

So I was up north for the Holiday weekend, and my family held a baby shower for us. People were so generous and I am just so blessed. Who would have thought that I would be having a baby shower??? It's almost laughable.....More pictures to come of that.... I am really tired today. I was off and I took a 2 hour nap. Had an OB apt this morning, everything looked good and the OB is optimistic this child will turn into normal position. Feeling emotional and overwhelmed. P is working insane hours this week, don't see him before 10:00 p.m. and he even gets up earlier.

When I got home exhausted yesterday, our house was the messiest it's ever been. Ever. His camping gear plopped in the middle of the kitchen, suitcase in the middle of the kitchen, dirty laundry piled by the basement door, the counters strewn with dirty dishes, soda cans, unused camping food, and mail, overflowing garbage, the kitchen table full of mail, and everything else..... I could just scream but I am too fatigued to start a load of laundry. I am going to tackle it bit by bit and he is going to help me this weekend. Or else.

One of the best things about my shower is that I got to see my friend M. I missed her! Haven't seen her since like 2003!!!! She is even prettier than ever - both inside and out.

Me and M.



My mom, two aunts, sister, niece, grandma (aged 97) and I.

this child is already causing me worry

The baby usually moves around like crazy. Her super active period is from around 5:45 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. and a bit less active from 7:00 - 10:00 p.m. She is randomly active all day, but these are times when I am acutely aware of her presence. Thursday there is no usual movement. Some light flutters, small taps, but not the rolling and kicking and shaking I had come to expect and love. I counted movements and was still getting greater than 10 per hour (which every reference says is good). But it felt very strange and different. I also felt a bit more movement above the bellybutton when usually it is all very low in my pelvis. Friday I felt even less movement. I called the doctor's office and they had me come in that afternoon. That's when I really started to worry. What if something happened to her? What about the stuff that I prepared for her - was it a jinx or something. I went in.... nothing too much was said. It was my regular doctor in that day (yeah!) and my favorite medical assistant. They did an ultrasound and he said everything looked great!!!! He checked four different points - the lungs, the level of amniotic fluid, the heart, and something else. She was making the normal fluidish breathing attempts that are expected at her gestational age. He pointed out her mouth was opening and closing and she was trying to bring her hands to her mouth. Also her feet, which were up near her ears.

Yes, she is in the frank breech position and I will do whatever I can to make this child turn. I have a few weeks yet - about 5 - where they start to consider that the permenant position. Super.

I am just glad she is okay. No real comments on the changes in movement and again very quiet again yesterday and a little less today. I guess she's just flipped positions and is now resting. It's strange because I havent' been too stressed this pregnancy and have had a peaceful feeling that all would work out. Thus... the worry descended on me very quickly and it was not a good feeling. All is well however.

The worst thing is that I woke up in the night coughing and now I have my boss's cold. My throat hurts something awful. Ugh. I won't be going to work tomorrow and I have LOADS to do. Plus I'm gone half a day THursday and Friday.

So P is in Atlanta again. It's cold and dreary and I have had a two day mild headache. It waxes and wanes, but never quite goes away. I'm not puffy or anything because then I would call the doctor. Lately I'm feeling quite worn out and my legs feel heavy, as if it is taking me great effort to move them. I'm still at the gym two days per week and walking another four days, but it certainly an effort. Sometimes I burst into tears because I'm just so fatigued and have been feeling emotionally a bit sad. I found out I am once again anemic and my iron level is no better than before I was pregnant. The doctor didn't want to change anything though. He said the baby is getting what it needs. What about me? I'd like to function :) We'll see how it goes.

My shower is the weekend of Labor Day. I'm quite concerned about it to be honest. My mother wanted me to stop at Sam's Club on the way up and pick up a meat tray, cheese tray, veggie tray and fruit tray and the cake which I would have to call and order beforehand (and cannot eat). She said of course she would pay me for it all, but that is not the point. The point is that I didn't really want a shower and I don't want to have to do anything for my shower. Period. There is already going to be the majority of food that I cannot eat (well you can visit then she says), and no one is going out of their way to make a special dessert or anything that I can eat (without GLuten). Maybe I'm being pissy because I'm pregnant, but I don't want to drive to the Sam's in Saginaw (it really isn't on the way home), walk to the back of the store, push a cart, lug all this big stuff in the car (which I have P's vehicle, not my Edge), and especially call ahead and order my own cake. Plus she has absolutely no room in her fridge for this stuff until the shower. I told her yesterday that it just isn't going to be possible (which I had to repeat twice) and she was pretty peeved and short and snotty about it. For --------- sake, (insert any word here), doesn't she realize I'm anemic and tired and pregnant??? There is a Superwalmart in town, an IGA, and several delis. Ugh.

Last night we went to Lamaze Childbirth class. It's a condensed version for two Monday nights from 6-9. We had to come all the way to AA, since our suburb has very few classes for some reason, even though everyone has like 3 or 4 kids. It made for a very long day but the class was suprisingly informative and interesting. I guess it should be for $138. Out of 8 or 9 couples in our class, we were the oldest. By quite a bit. I forgot for a second that most people our age are on their second or third child at our point in our lives. Another thing is that I thought we were really late in scheduling class, but most of the other couples were due in a few weeks and the rest in June.

It started with some relaxation/stretching exercises that I loved and P wasn't so crazy about. We also got big circle name tags that reminded me of preschool, but were actually "10 cm", to represent the cervical dilation during childbirth which was a real eye-opener. That's wide, but when you look at the size of a baby's head, you wonder how it is ever going to fit. Another eye-opener is that an epidural dulls the pain, but you still feel the pressure and burning. We got down and tried some birthing positions - I liked the birth ball a lot. We also learned some exercises to help move the baby into a head down position. I do most of the them already at the gym, so that was most gratifying to me. That is a big concern for me currently, that the baby move into the correct head down position, because I.do.not.want.a.Csection. I'd rather try a breech birth, but my hospital doesn't do that.

Who'd have thought I'd be at a Lamaze class? Not me :)

It's big, It's 28 weeks and

It's my belly.

Start of Third Trimester

This pregnancy "thing" is certainly moving along quickly. I still can't believe that in a few months, I will have a child of our very own. It's just unbelievable. I'm sometimes afraid - afraid to enjoy being pregnant, afraid to enjoy being happy about the impending birth, afraid to buy things for the baby like a crib, to pick out a name, to have a shower, afraid to be too attached already. I think that may be common amongst the infertiles. I did buy some great bedding this weekend at the Pottery Barn Outlet - already marked down + another 40% off. Although I absolutely loved the crib bumper pad, I constantly read about how dangerous they are, so I did not purchase which saved me a lot of $$$. I did sort of a mix/match theme on what was available there and ended up with a purple/lilac quilt, white/lt green bedskirt, green/lilac/purple sheet, purple/lilac sham, green cribsheet, lt green curtains and a white/garden themed tulip bedspread for the spare bed. I think it will go well with some of the mobiles/stuff from Beatrix Potter that I bought in the UK and have never used. Thus I need to get a curtain rod, crib, crib mattress, changing table, nightlight, lamp, changing pad. It seems like a lot of nurseries have those letters to spell out names to hang on the wall and I would like to pick them up at a craft store and paint them myself. I wanted a rug and lamp from Pottery Barn Outlet, but they didn't have anything I wanted at a good price. Thus - I am going up North for Memorial Day and will try to stop there then. P thought the bedding was kind of plain, but I did want something plain (no three foot snoopy for me). I'll see how it goes.

I've had a big of a rough day today. I went to the gym this morning and did my usual cardio on the Cyber ArcTrainer (but more slowly), then did some leg machines and some arm machines. I felt fine when I got home and did a bunch of stuff. Then I got tired and started getting a great deal of pressure on my cervix and straight down from my belly button along with a bunch of cramping. I also had pains across my back. It feels like the baby is upright and kicking my cervix; like her foot is going to kick down into my vagina. The baby had been moving around like crazy. I rested for 1 hour or so and then I became restless so I got up and suddenly felt better and had a burst of energy. Made a few trips to the basement for laundry, made two batches of Teff chocolate chip gluten free cookies, made an omlette and homemade potatoes for dinner, edamme and cut up a melon for tomorrow. THen I got really really tired and more pain. I definately overdid it and it scared me. There is so much to do all the time. People said to let things go, but it is really difficult. Especially the cooking part - I can't just eat a lot of convenience foods and junk. I can't just grab a sandwich for lunch like normal people. I have to have "something mad". It is annoying and frustrating.

I am debating whether to ring the doctor tomorrow. Better safe than sorry, right?

Missing my dad

I have been suprisingly nauseous and dizzy and no appetiate the last few days. I came home early from work yesterday afternoon and tried to rest. Had a spell later this morning too but better now.

I hadn't talked to my mom in a week because she took a trip with a friend to Puerta Vallarta Mexico. I am so proud of her! She doesn't travel well (like her offspring) and hasn't flown anywhere in like 17 years. I tried to prepare her for the 'differences' in travel now; the liquids ban, no food on planes, taking off shoes at security, the cramped flights, etc. Her luggage got lost for a few days and she rolled with the punches, did well and wants to go back next year. She went to the all-inclusive resort Riu and just loved it. With my dad being ill so much, we didn't do a lot of traveling outside the area. Apparently, at dinner her friend started crying and said that on his deathbed to my mom's friend- please take N on a trip, to Mexico. I don't know where that came from - he never talked about Mexico. Well, my mom's friend tried to get her to go for 5 years now and finally they went. I don't know how she kept it secret for so long.

It's unreal that my father has been gone from this earth for almost five years. Do you ever stop missing someone that died? Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. In the terrible swirling grief compounded with our international move one doesn't think you will ever feel better or the hurt will stop or it will ever go away. There is peace in knowing he is in a better place- there is no suffering there and he is with Jesus. The acute, painful hurt has softened over time, replaced by a happy hug of memories. He was one of my best friends, I liked him so much as a person and admired him so much. He wasn't perfect (he had some annoying habits - one was the desire for the lack of spices in his food) and there is always that tendency to make someone to be a hero after their death. I miss spending time with him and talking to him on the phone, hearing about his day and his crazy jokes. We spent a lot of time together, perhaps because he was retired at an early age due to illness, and later on A (his grandson) and I was so grateful for that. I only wish everyone had a dad like mine. I guess with the upcoming bundle of joy I realize he won't be here on earth to see the child, but will have to see her from Heaven.

So what have I been doing lately (if anyone cares :)

It seems some days I have a great deal of energy. Saturday for instance, I had a great workout at the gym (cardio & weights). I did some clean up, ran errands with P, did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, etc. Sunday, I was pretty useless. Did some grocery shopping and walked through Kohls. Took a 1 1/2 hour nap. P even made lunch.

Overall, I am feeling well and amazed at all kind remarks from people. There also have been many, many nosy questions from people I hardly am acquainted with as well as strangers - The most common goes like this-

Nosy: "What are going to name the baby"
Me: We're not sure yet
Nosy: What names are you considering?
Me: We are still discussing that
Nosy: Well, what names are on your long list?
Me: We don't have a list

I find the following questions prying and some bordering on offensive:
How much weight have you gained?
How long are you taking off?
Are you coming back to work?
You're really small, aren't you worried?
Was this planned?

I think how far along are you, is this your first & what is the sex are reasonable questions.

Unfortunately the baby will have to share the smallish spare bedroom. There is a double bed and dresser in there and we are going to pop a crib and hopefully changing table in there. I'd love a rocking chair, but there is just no room. I did clean out tons of junk and still have a few issues to take care of, but it is looking much, much better. I am nervous about really starting to get it fixed up, that makes it seem really final and it's a little bit scary (in a good way) that this is actually happening. There is a Moms & Tots sale my organization is holding on Saturday and I would like to pick up a few things - maybe a changing area for downstairs, a basinette, and a travel crib perhaps. We'll see.

Thanks for thinking of me............

Happy Spring

Happy belated Easter. I attended Mass at a closer church (not my regular) which was so packed with people, that it wins an award for the most crowded church ever. P didn't go which it is hard to go alone on Easter. I knew when I married him that he wasn't churchy, but it still hurts to go alone on Easter. We didn't go North nor West which disappointed the families. My side of the family had boiled dinner (yuck) of which when I was a kid was my least favorite meal next to chicken legs, baked potatoes, and canned peas. It consists of boiling polish sausage, cabbage, potatos, carrots, beans in a pot and eating it. It's bland and tasteless. I think it is totally a midwestern thing because I was talking to another co-worker about it and she had the same opinion. I told my mom (again) on the phone that I hated it, and she was all defensive that "every loves it - it has potatos and carrots". THus, as nice as it would have been to see my family, that would have been a definate negative. Now that I've once again ran down my mom's cooking (believe me, my mom's cooking is 100% better than my MIL's - pie and potato salad notwithstanding).....

P and I debated going out or making dinner here. We ended up being invited to our Austrian friends home where we had ham, wine, (not me), grapes, homemade bread (yes, A made a GF loaf for me:), Brie (not me), Mozarella, homemade dip and veggies, and delicious GF cake for dessert. We ended up playing games for most the afternoon (Ra, Settlers of Catan, Carcasonne) and it was quite relaxing.

We are all very ready for Spring here. It is gray and dismal today with misty rain/snow due to start at any time.

22 weeks after a looonngg Monday

Back Open

My blog is back open for business. It had a security breach and I had some things to fix on it.

Anyway - I'm okay - I dislike the time change though.

By the way - We're having a girl. I was dead wrong on that one!

A rant.... (my favorite)

I am going to going to go off on another rant here. And I apologize in advance. I belong to a community organization with many stay at home moms. These moms have husbands that obviously make quite a bit of money. Their houses are big and well furnished (much more than what I have) with new matching furniture, they highlight their hair and drive newer SUVs and minivans. Thus, I don't think they are hurting for money (or else they are in serious, serious debt).

I don't know if these women get bored or what, but all of them have their "at home businesses". Many of these women are very, very high pressure when they find out I work, have co-workers, and earn money. I have been invited to so many of these parties by well meaning acquintances that I just can't take any more of it. I'm thrilled someone thought enough of me to invite me, but more often a little voice inside me says you are invited so you will spend money and they will "earn free stuff" off of you.

Even worse is the pressure to have a party at my house, invite all my co-workers. "You can earn free stuff". I think asking my co-workers to subsidize my purchases from some at home business is disrespectful, insulting, and ricidulous. Many of these 'organizers' do not pick up on hints that I am not interested in having a party and that I have too much going on right now. Once I have to be firm with them - I am cut off. They no longer make an effort to be friendly or seem to want to be my friend so badly. It hurts. But I guess I'm glad I knew beforehand. I try to limit myself to attending two parties per year because it is expensive, and I really don't need any more stuff. Plus, most of the stuff I've gotten at these parties (with the exception of Tastefully Simple and Pampered Chef) ends up being over expensive junk that sits in my drawer. This past year I have been invited and/or pressured to host the following parties (yes, I kept track):

Silpada Jewelry Parties - 2
Creative Memories Scrapbooking -4
Stamping Parties - 2
Cookie Lee Jewelry Party - 2
Arbonne - 2
Tastefully Simple - 3
Body Shop - 2
Pampered Chef - 2
Some sort of Handbag party - 2
Partylite Candles - 1
Jockey clothing line - 4
Lia Sophia Jewelry - 2 (I went to one because it was a good friend, was highly pressured by the saleslady and went home with crummy jewelry which was expensive and I hated)
Mary Kay - 3
Longaberger baskets - 1
Taste of Home Entertaining - 2
Southern Living - 1

I'm done now :)

80's Quiz

I miss the 80's.

IF YOU WEREN'T BORN BEFORE 1987 DON'T EVEN ATTEMPT THIS QUIZ

1. How old were you in 1980?
7

2. How old were you in 1989?
16

3. Were you a Toys R' US Kid?
NO - we rarely got to go there, the nearest was 3 hours away and then it was too expensive. I wanted to be though.

4. Did you watch Transformers?
NO

5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen?
Yes. The line was around an entire city block.

6. Did you own a Lite Bright?
YES - love it to this day.

7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl?
Dorothy. She is so cynical

8. When someone says " Who you gonna call?" you think.
GHOSTBUSTERS

9. What was/were your favorite toy(S?
Strawberry Shortcake Dolls, Atari, Dolly Pops, Legos

10. Did you have a Pogo Ball?
????
11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
Uhmm... Yes... o o o o o o hangin' tough.

12. What New Kid did you have a crush on?
None really.

13. Did you play M.A.S.H?
No.

14. Did you watch The Care Bears?
No

15. Did you have Jelly bracelets?
YES

16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet?
NO

17. Did you own a glo-worm?
NO

18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
No

19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles?
Sixteen Candles... still one of the best movies every made.

20. Did you have a crazy hair style?
NO... mostly too damn short.

21. What was your first bike?
a blue second hand banana seat Schwinn with the tall handlebars

22. Name one thing you still own from your childhood?
my Strawberry Shortcake dolls

23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid?
No I wanted one really badly but they were too much $$$$

24. Did you dress like Madonna?
I tried. I'm sure it was a lame imitation.

25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
SS definately....

26. Did you watch Miami Vice?
NO

27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
YES - they hurt my feet. I see they are now back.

28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
Oh yes.... big, bulky, and the corners tore your bookbag up. It was green and had kittens on it.

29. Atari or Nintendo?
Atari....

30. Did you play Pac-Man?
YES. My sister was a champ at Ms. Pac Man.

31.Which was better:
NINTENDO had better graphics
32. What movie scared you the most
Halloween

33. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson?
Didn't everyone?

34. What Is The First Thing That Comes To Mind When You Hear "Flux Capacitor"?
I love that movie.

35. What other colors did Pepsi come in?
clear - I liked that and maybe red?

36. Roger Rabbit Or Howard The Duck?
They both stank and I never watched either.

37. Did you ever beg your parents to have your school picture taken with a friend?
Uhmmmm no?

38. Do you know what the Ninja Rap is?
NO

39. Do you know why people cringe when they hear the word BUCKNER?
no not a clue

40. Can you name the family members from National Lampoons Vacation movies?
YES

41. WallyWorld or Europe?
Europe.. so funny. The roundabout part is true.

42. What was your favorite movie from the 80's?
Probably Back to the Future

43. Who puts baby in the Corner?
NOBODY!

Random Tidbits

I never know what to write about anymore or fear that I am becoming boring. Maybe I was boring to start with? The fear is that all I will talk about is my impending motherhood, which I don't want to be the case. That however, seems like all anyone else wants to talk about. People seem to be obsessed with pregnancy women, and I am unsure why. They watch what I wear, what I eat and drink, what I buy, etc. Frankly, I'm just not that interesting.

So some more random tidbits (lots of things to say, but not much to say about them):

* P is in Atlanta all week for work. That means this weekend he will be doing schoolwork all weekend. he will be back in time for tomorrow's ultrasound, which I really did not want him to miss.

* Lost is on tonight! Lost is on tonight! This may be my favorite show of all time. It is exciting yet mysterious and it is interesting to try and pick out the connections between characters and what exactly is going on. It's comparable to reading a really great novel that you just can't put down, but in this case, it is rationed out to you weekly.

* I read quite a few books on my trip to San Diego. One of them was called "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. It is post-apocolyptic fiction (my favorite) and even appeared on Oprah's Book Club List. It involves a man and his son trying to survive after a unnamed event blackened the earth and consists mostly of dialogue between the man and his son. Don't read it. That is my advice. It is the most depressing book I've ever read in my entire life. After I finished it, I bawled in the airplane lavatory for 10 minutes straight and never wanted to hug someone I love so badly in my life. Also I may add - I was teary the rest of the day. Yes I am a big crier, but I have never cried over a book. Ever.

* Do you like chips and guacamole? I never was a huge fan, but now I can't seem to get enough of them. It seems to be my "craving". Good thing I bought lower calorie chips.

* Easter is so early this year. What is up with that? Easter should be April, and there should not be snow on the ground. The little girls should be able to wear their Easter dresses and bonnets to church and the girls should be able to run about and find eggs outside. It's an unwritten rule. Enough said.

* Tomorrow we find out (hopefully) that everything is on track and if it is a boy or a girl. I'm guessing boy.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Unfortunately myself and old man are in different places today.

San Diego is dark, gray, rather cool and rainy. Boo hoo. I got 30 minutes of sun on Monday and that's it!

I'm flying back tomorrow in the a.m. Also checked in and found and aisle seat. Ta da! Need a good book though. Any suggestions?????

Greetings from San Diego

Hello -

So I went to my conference today. I went to bed last night at around 6:00 p.m. (SD time) and got up around 5:00 a.m. (SD time). IT was nice. I am rested. I took the trolley to the meeting today and took it back. The meeting was pretty dry, but at least they fed us well. When I got back I took a walk and explored the gas lamp district (I should have done this yesterday). I sat out on the pool level in the sun where the convention level was (we don't have a pool) and just basked :) Very nice. Tomorrow I have meetings all day so I won't get a chance to do too much. Thursday I am going to go shopping at Sea Port Village and check some stuff out by the waterfront and hit a few meetings in the afternoon.


I continue to be suprised at the very large amount of homeless people here.

Hello

I meant to write many time lately, but suprisingly things are very busy.

I leave for a conference in San Diego on Monday and I have been busy trying to get things together. It's hard to find any clothes because all my pants are getting too small and the few maternity pants I've purchased are still a bit large. I've worried about flying because I don't like it in the best of cirumstances and now I only have a window seat (I pee all the time now) and NO seat assignment on the way out Monday morning.

I've been feeling well, just tired and getting really hungry all the time. P is watching classes during work time several days a week so he gets home really late those days. I go for my big ultrasound to find out what I am having in 3 weeks and to make sure everything looks okay. I've gained five pounds (the five pounds I lost in the 1st trimester).

Vote in the Lifetime sweepstakes challenge for a fellow blogger ( who happens to be gluten free and pregnant. Her blog is www.findingyourself.net. Follow the links from there to Vote for "Erin from Oviedo".

Annoying people!

I had two annoying conversations at work today:

Riding in the elevator with a new, middle-aged lady that works on my floor

ME: Good morning
Old annoying Lady: HI.
ME: It is freezing out this morning
OAL: Yes I hate it.
ME: Me too.
OAL: Do you have kids?
ME: What?
OAL: Do you have any kids?
ME: No
OAL: Do you want kids?
ME: I like kids
OAL: When are you having some?
ME: I'm not sure


Conversation that just took place in the bathroom at work:

PIA(walking by on her way to the stall) - Have you gained weight?
ME: Whatt???
PIA: Have you gained weight?
ME: Actually no, I lost 5 pounds.
PIA: Oh, I thought you said you gained weight
ME: *Dirty look*

Am i starting to look that visibly pregnant? People I work with are sooo nosy. MYOB - dammit!

Brrrrrr...

It has been so *damn* cold here lately. I hate winter, I hate it, hate it. I'm freezing all the time. I think my iron is low again, even though the ObGYn refused to test it last visit (on Thursday). Otherwise, everything is looking good! I'm so cold that I am at work (in a hot building) and I have on a turtleneck, cardigan and my Irish wool sweater over that. I usually don't stay downstairs at home much these days because it is much colder down there. I physically hurt in the cold, it seeps under my heavy coat and is like pins and needles attacking me. I called the nurse and left a message demanding that I come in and have my iron checked. I know it is low. That is the only reason for it. Yes, it has been a high of 10 degrees F lately, but still. I shouldn't be this cold in a heated building.

I often wonder what it would be like living in a warmer climate. Actuallly, compared to where I grew up, this IS a warmer climate with much less snow. Would I hate the scorching summers of somewhere down south? I think I may. Spring... where are you????

I have been bad about blogging lately. Honestly, I've been fairly tired. This morning I woke up and planned on going to the gym, but I felt a bit nauseous and dizzy, thus maybe I will go later (yeah) or walk on the treadmill at home. In the evenings I have spent a fair amount of time laying in bed and reading. I am still managing to get to the gym and do a light workout 3-4 times a week which I think helps my sleep and my aches and pains. The motivation is just not there lately, I'm pretty tired and it's January, and I think I miss P (16 days to go). Also - I don't think I'm eating enough (did you even think this would ever be a problem for me?) since I am still 5 lbs down since I found out I was pregnant.

I am really starting to show (I'm 12 weeks now) and I think I will have to do some explaining very soon. I looked at maternity clothes yesterday which made me both excited and nervous since I never thought I would have a child. This fills me a little dread because people I work with are very nosy and gossipy. They will ask me if I did IVF, did I take drugs, etc, how old I am. I have to come up with a really good response to these questions prior to the asking. I am thinking, "Oh my goodness - that's personal!" and act shocked. Any suggestions?

Last night I went to see "I am Legend" with a pal. Stellar movie. I really enjoyed it so very much. I tend to like end-of-the-world type movies/books since I read Steven King's "The Stand" which is my super favorite book of all time, hands down. I highly recommend it. Since P is gone, there is much less to do (I hate to say it... ). Less laundry, no lunches to pack, less shopping, less dishes, etc. More time to read! I used to be a voracious reader, but really got out of the habit 3 or so years ago.