Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Missing my dad

I have been suprisingly nauseous and dizzy and no appetiate the last few days. I came home early from work yesterday afternoon and tried to rest. Had a spell later this morning too but better now.

I hadn't talked to my mom in a week because she took a trip with a friend to Puerta Vallarta Mexico. I am so proud of her! She doesn't travel well (like her offspring) and hasn't flown anywhere in like 17 years. I tried to prepare her for the 'differences' in travel now; the liquids ban, no food on planes, taking off shoes at security, the cramped flights, etc. Her luggage got lost for a few days and she rolled with the punches, did well and wants to go back next year. She went to the all-inclusive resort Riu and just loved it. With my dad being ill so much, we didn't do a lot of traveling outside the area. Apparently, at dinner her friend started crying and said that on his deathbed to my mom's friend- please take N on a trip, to Mexico. I don't know where that came from - he never talked about Mexico. Well, my mom's friend tried to get her to go for 5 years now and finally they went. I don't know how she kept it secret for so long.

It's unreal that my father has been gone from this earth for almost five years. Do you ever stop missing someone that died? Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. In the terrible swirling grief compounded with our international move one doesn't think you will ever feel better or the hurt will stop or it will ever go away. There is peace in knowing he is in a better place- there is no suffering there and he is with Jesus. The acute, painful hurt has softened over time, replaced by a happy hug of memories. He was one of my best friends, I liked him so much as a person and admired him so much. He wasn't perfect (he had some annoying habits - one was the desire for the lack of spices in his food) and there is always that tendency to make someone to be a hero after their death. I miss spending time with him and talking to him on the phone, hearing about his day and his crazy jokes. We spent a lot of time together, perhaps because he was retired at an early age due to illness, and later on A (his grandson) and I was so grateful for that. I only wish everyone had a dad like mine. I guess with the upcoming bundle of joy I realize he won't be here on earth to see the child, but will have to see her from Heaven.

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