Monday, October 4, 2010


Victoria is growing up so quickly. People always tell you that they grow up quickly, and that is 100% correct. P and were discussing that the last vestiges of her babyhood are the diapers and the fact that she has little hair. Whenever I look at her I feel so incredibly blessed, lucky, thrilled, fortunate, grateful, happy - that I was able to have her. Even when she is pulling on me whining and crying when I am trying to do something.

P and I spoke the other night about what happens next. I so hoped that I would have gotten pregnant by now. We were never sure if going gluten free "Fixed" my infertility problems, or her conception was simply a case of the stars and moons aligning and the appearance of a miracle egg. I'm beginning to think it was the later. He asked if we wanted to get an egg donor to have another child. I said no. I don't think I can go through all that stuff again. Plus, the cash for no guarantee of a child being in your arms.

People think that because you had that child, the infertility feelings go away. They don't. They become less intense, and less hurtful, but that emptiness and inadequacy stay inside. At V's school, it seems every week I see another pregnant mother having a 2nd child. And I think - is that going to be me? I know people want to ask - when are you having a second one? And I want to yell - "I'm trying! I am so lucky to have this one". There is a lady in my sub (I don't know her that well) that has a 9 year old son and a new baby at 41. A huge surprise. She was infertile.

SO in conclusion, do we want another child? Yes. Am I willing to undergo more infertility treatments? No. How long will we keep trying? I don't know yet. I think we will both know when we reach that point. I will be 3 (cough) 8 (cough) next year so I think it is coming soon. Please pray for me to have the wisdom to know what and when to do.


Alisha said...

Oh God, I could have written this myself. Except, I am doing fertility treatments...but only a few tries left since I've chosen not to "invest" in IVF. I have a lap in the middle of the month--never thought it would go this far. I thought the 2nd time around would be easier. I was wrong. And, I think it would be easier if not EVERYONE in my mother's group (and everywhere else) has already had or is pregnant with child #2. I'm waiting for someone to tell me they're expecting #3...while I'm still struggling along.

I guess sometimes I'm okay with it; sometimes I'm not. at all. I think it will get better once the kids all start to get older. Maybe not. I don't know.

Hoping for the miracle right along with you!

Searching for Serenity said...

I just wrote a very similar post this morning. I still need to tweak it before making it public.

Your answer will come in some way, shape or form. It may be soon, or maybe not. I'm right there with you though...

Anonymous said...

Crap Jen,
Why does it have to be so difficult for so many people? I know how much you are enjoying little Vi and I am so very happy for you.

God will bring you an answer. I'm praying for you.


Anonymous said...

the emptiness and inadequacy just stay true. those feelings never really go away.

:( thinking about you.

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