Blast from the past....

I was working on some patient charts and realized I hadn't checked my online records in a while. This brings back some bad feelings:

In summary, _____________is a pleasant 32-year-old nulligravida female with significantly decreased ovarian reserve as evidenced by high FSH on day-10. I have explained to her the implication of having this high FSH on her low chance of success despite undergoing extensive fertility therapy. There is about 5% chance of spontaneous conception and this does not go up much despite undergoing a fertility therapy. For this reason, I have recommended for her to look into other options to expand her family including adoption as well as donor egg in vitro fertilization.

I am truly a recipient of a miracle...... Praise God.

*So I started back at work this week. Half days this week and next. It's been good. I missed work and we moved to an office that is super nice so I have a very nice cube with a window view of all the fall trees. I"m trying not to obsessively think about Vi during the day because then I will cry. P has been getting her ready in the mornings and this means getting up earlier which is difficult for him. Last week we did daycare half days and she wasn't too keen on it which really stressed me out. She is not accustomed to their schedule and doesn't want to sleep or eat too much there. I keep praying she will adjust and start to like it.

* I am still feeling like death with severe stiffness and body aches. My best friend is High dose ibuprofen. I stopped gluten after three days due to nausea, severe heartburn and reflex with burning, vomiting, stabbing stomach pains. It all stopped when I stopped eating gluten. I called the MD and am waiting for a reply. I was so hoping it was something else!

*Winter is here! Well, fall is - and it is cold! I don't know where the summer went. I have quite a bit of raking (mostly seed pods) to do at home. I am going to miss taking Vi out in the stroller when it gets really cold.

*McCain pulled out of Michigan and pretty much gave it to Obama. I think Obama is going to win. Both of their health plans frighten me. I like McCain, but Palin's view on abstinence only education in schools is ridiculous. Teens are going to have sex whether you agree with it or not. Shouldn't they be informed - ignorance is not bliss in this case.

The gluten challenge is not going to well. Frankly, I'm quite ill. I have horrific heartburn, chest pain, reflux, salivia production, searing stomach pains, nausea, chills and sweats. I'm done doing this. Today I ate a regular toast, a tortilla, soy sauce, part of a cookie, some dry wheat cereal and homemade chicken noodle soup. Who gets heartburn from chicken noodle soup??? I'm ill. It's just not worth it.

all alone

This morning I dropped P off at the airport for his week in Boston. Then I took Vi to daycare and hung out there with her for 2 hours. She is there right now and I am going to pick her up around 1;30 or 2:00. I was going to use this time to go to the gym, but I think I will do that tomorrow. My mom invited herself down to visit for the week and she will be down tomorrow. There are a lot of things I could use her help with. Leaving Vi at that daycare was so, so difficult. I cried in the parking lot. She is the youngest in the infant class and the smallest. There are three bigger children walking around that are almost ready for the next class that kind of scare me. They go go go and the little babies (3 of them) are just laying around. Vi is not used to that kind of noise. I will be glad when they move up to the next room. Her caregivers seem very nice and organized which is good. She is just so little!!!! No one can love her and care for her and hold her like I do.

I also just am eating gluten today in anticipation of my colonoscopy. I had a soft taco shell and the only thing I feel is a burning in my chest so far.

something happier....

miss smiles

yesterday was on one of those days....

that made me cry by 5:00 p.m.

To start:

My sister's house got foreclosed on
Vi went to the MD and had to start medicine for her reflux
Vi spent a good part of afternoon and evening screaming
It rained.
I went to the GI doctor and have to have more tests including a colonoscopy with a three day bowel prep (what the hell!?!?) because the last prep was poor, an upper endoscopy, and a bunch of blood tests. I also have to eat wheat for one month (Pizza Hut here I come!) before these tests as a "gluten challenge".
The GI Doc doesn't know what I have - he is thinking a gastric tumor, Lynch syndrome, Celiac dx or zollinger-elsrom syndrome???
The doctor told me my genetics are very high risk on both sides of my family
My mother grew so many colon polyps in one year (150+), she has to have another colon resection in 3 weeks
This week is really my last week home with Vi, she starts daycare part time on Monday.
We have to drive six hours for P's family Christmas this weekend
The laundry is still not put away
P worked so many hours this week/last weekend he is like a stranger.
P is going to Boston all next week
My body hurts so badly that I feel like a got hit by a car

I'm a little teary

Vi has always been a great eater. Over the last week to two weeks she has been fussing during feedings including crying, arching her back, refusing the nipple, squirming around and in general eating less, being pretty unhappy and acting like she was in pain. I finally called the doctor about it today and the nurse called me saying that they thought it was acid reflux!! It does make sense because I thought she seemed like she was teething or something was hurting her. They advised me to keep her upright after feedings (which I do), burp her well (which I do), and possibly change formulas to Enfamil gentlease or Enfamil added rice. I ran over to Rite Aid and bought a small can of the gentlease to try. P and I talked on the phone and he wanted to how we would know if this was resolved and also to just switch the formulas or do half and half, etc? Unfortunately I didn't ask the nurse, but I will call back and ask tomorrow. I hope that this will improve and that she won't have to go on meds. It's weird because I have had really bad GERD in the past and still take Protonix. So I know what it is like. I probably shouldn't be so upset and worried since there are kids with way worse issues out there, but I don't want her to be unhappy!!!!

P has been working night and day. That on top of school makes for an unhappy wife. I'm pretty tolerant, but I never see him anymore. Next week he is in Boston for school. I know he is doing the best he can but it is starting to get to me and really, really stink.

The other crummy thing is that the timer on our dryer stopped working properly a while ago and would only dry on one cycle. That cycle finally went last weekend and with the cost of fixing an old dryer, we got a new model at Lowe's. It finally arrived on Friday (P was in Washington D.C. last week and I had to actually buy him new pants) and I have been doing laundry like crazy since then. I did 7 loads on Friday, 4 on Saturday, 4 on Sunday and 3 today. I'm still not done and I haven't put everything away because I am so tired of going up and down stairs. Still, it's nice to have a dryer again. The moral of the story - don't get behind on laundry.

A "Mom" moment

Today I had to go into work and fax some papers (yes, the OB gave me another two weeks off :). I can never just get in and out of there, so I ended up feeding Vi while I was there. On the way home I stopped at Whole Foods to get some lunchmeat and bread for Paul. When I was going through the checkout I realized the burp cloth complete with spit up was still hanging on my shoulder! The checkout lady and I had a good laugh.

Vi is getting so big

Vi is now 9 weeks old tomorrow!!!

Here are some new pictures of her....

Brrrrr.

I'm in in N. Michigan and the high today was 45 degrees. It was cold, rainy, and crummy out. Vi did fairly well on the long drive, the next day was pretty crabby, and is back to her sweet self. Last night she slept from 8:30 - 4:00 a.m.!! She really didn't want to go back to bed after that and only slept from around 6-7 a.m. Right now she is sitting in this cradle my mom bought for her, looking up at the lights, and cooing. She just finished fussing and yelling for 10 minutes. Her fussy period is between 7-9 each night; just about the time Daddy gets home.

I'm ready to head home and spent time with my husband along with getting into a routine for going back to work. It breaks my heart to have to leave Vi - having other people comfort her and touch her and spend their time with her - yet I love my job and the money and benefits. I so wish I could do both....

She's fussing now and it's time to get her ready for bed....