Thursday, May 3, 2007

One more day until Friday

The week has went by very, very quickly. That is a plus.
I was concerned about yesterday. One of my co-workers is pregnant with her first child. We used to share an office and I like her a lot. The only time it was really hard on me is when she brought in the ultrasound pictures adn everyone ooed and aahed. She also insisted on showing me and explaining in detail. I excused myself to get coffee and hid in an office down the hall for 15 minutes til the commotion was over. Yesterday, my co workers had a baby shower for her. I don't do baby showers... for obvious reasons. I went to one briefly at work last year and when the gifts were being opened, became very teary. I also did not want to have any sort of 'meltdown' where I ruined her time either.

Thus I respectfully bowed out of the lunch portion, and then four separate people came and found me and told me they were waiting for me to cut the cake. I told them each time to go ahead until I was forced to sit there for 10 minutes with a fake smile on my face before I could hastily exit.

I really have attempted to examine my feelings about the entire matter. I really have to do whatever it takes to take care of myself emotionally. SOmeone accused me (incorrectly) of being jealous. I honestly am not jealous. I just feel terribly about myself and then feel very very sad and empty inside. I'm glad the day is over, I cannot lie.

The ladies group that I belong to can be a bit difficult as well. People where I live all have tons of kids, three or more. This group is very fertile. Except for yours truly. Sigh. Every meeting someone is showing with a new happy pregnancy.

I guess I can be grateful for one thing - I will be sleeping tonight.

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